It’s all about joy!

On Monday, I wrote about a big ah-ha I had regarding my inability to process emotional upsets in a healthy and productive way. It was brought to light as I struggled to cope with feelings of loneliness last weekend. In the midst of feeling low-spirited for two days, and during a meditative reprieve, I realized that as a child I learned to repress negative emotions. Rather than cry, for instance, I taught myself to use things like food, sleep and other distractions to take my mind off of what I was feeling.

As an adult who’s seeking to live a more authentic, joyful life, emotional repression only serves to hinder me. So, beginning this past weekend, I decided to figure out a new way to process such feelings.

Something else that struck me while I was having my initial ah-ha is how the law of attraction plays into repressed emotions. By repressing emotions, I’m holding on to them. Whatever I hold on to, I attract more of. Therefore, when I repress feelings of loneliness and don’t deal with them directly, I’m attracting more loneliness into my life.

Yikes!

So to counteract that, and as part of re-learning how to process negative emotions, I am going to:

• Acknowledge the negative emotions (but not fear them).
• Detach myself from them once I know what purpose they serve and then simply let them go.

Mindfulness will allow me to be more aware of exactly what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it (as opposed to drifting along unconsciously and letting myself be distracted by my monkey mind). Being more mindful (which meditation greatly spurs along) will grant me an open doorway to the acknowledgment part of this process. Beyond simply acknowledging a bad feeling, though (and perhaps its cause) and then letting it go, I think I’ll go one step further. I will choose to shift my attention to all of the circumstances and experiences that contradict that bad feeling. Gratitude has the ability to be a saving grace, since giving thanks shifts the energy in life and brings more of what we’re grateful for to fruition.

While I don’t expect to be mindful 100% of the time, nor do I expect to be hitting homeruns with this process every time I’m up at bat, I do think that little by little, I can begin to change how I deal with negative emotions. No more repressing for me! Instead, I’m going to let those feelings be and when I’m through examining them, set them free.

I had a huge a-ha moment this weekend: I realized that instead of expressing my innermost emotional upsets by crying, I tend to deal with them in other, many times destructive, ways. Why is this important? Well, for starters, by not dealing with my feelings directly, I allow them to eat away at my inner joy. As you know, increasing the joy in life is my single biggest goal. Therefore, the discovery that I avoid crying was pretty significant to me.

How did I stumble upon this? I was in a Zen garden meditating. I ended up there after feeling low for a day and a half. I think it started on Friday night when I made a last-minute acupuncture appointment to try and help me process some buried emotions. My therapist had told me that there are points on the body that can be needled to help release deep-seated emotions. These hidden emotions have an ability to hold back a more joyful, balanced life. Since I’m pretty sure there are things from my past that I’ve neatly tucked away within the confines of my subconscious, I agreed to her suggestion and was treated.

The first time she did the treatment was two weeks ago. Contrary to what she told me I could expect (uncontrollable sobbing for two or three days), I felt nothing. As a matter of fact, I was giddy the very next day. (In the treatment’s defense, it was also Day 7 of my cycle, which notoriously sees me excited and upbeat.) So, this past Friday, I asked her to do it again. She used twice as many needles and the treatment lasted longer than the first time. When I left her office Friday night, I felt fine. Saturday morning, however, was another story.

For starters, I was exhausted. Even though I’d gotten eight hours of sleep, I wanted to keep sleeping. Next was the insatiable hunger. Rather inexplicably, my stomach felt bottomless, so I ate three times what I normally would in the course of the day. On top of that, I ended up eating foods I normally avoid (so I knew I was no longer eating for nutrition and instead eating for emotion). Midway through the day, I took a nap because I was feeling tired and unmotivated. During that nap, I had a lucid dream that very clearly pointed out that overeating was my attempt to fill the emptiness inside caused from being alone. Well, by nighttime, I crossed my fingers and hoped Sunday would be better.

Enter Sunday. I woke up early, and although I had a pretty normal morning, somehow I still felt flat. I knew something was wrong that needed my attention. So I went to a Zen garden and meditated. During my walking meditation, I had a brief moment of mindfulness and that’s when it hit me: I really did feel incredibly sad. In a split second, I began sobbing uncontrollably! Rather than think too much about it and thus take myself out of the state of mindfulness I’d chanced upon, I just let it be. After a minute or two of streaming tears and heavy sighs, I stopped crying as quickly as I started and returned to walking.

Ten minutes later, I sat in the grass and began crying again. That’s when it became clear to me: in my purest state - when I’m fully awake and aware of the present moment - my emotions pour forth with unrestricted ease. It’s when I’m lost in thought and drifting unconsciously through the day, though, that my emotions remain hidden from me. That’s where they stay until I touch upon a second or two of mindfulness and they’re brought to the light again.

In my moment of clarity, it also dawned on me that I was raised to avoid crying. As a kid, I learned that strength, perseverance and stoicism are praised in my family over displays of raw emotion. What’s more, because raw emotion is frowned upon, over time I slowly learned to reject the idea of crying altogether - not only in me, but in others, as well. As an adult, there have been many times that I’ve found it unbearable to be around people who cry uncontrollably. Not only do they make me uncomfortable, but I view them as being weak and intolerable in such states. Eesh… Not a very nice discovery!

Instead of crying, the things I learned to do were to either sleep, eat, or ignore my emotions. Ignoring usually involves watching TV, surfing on the Internet, reading, or so forth. Basically anything to keep my mind occupied and off of feeling low.

After today’s discovery, I realized that I need to re-learn how to process negative emotions in a healthier, more productive way. How? Well, my firsthand recognition of the power of mindfulness will definitely play a role. However, I’m sure there are other things I’ll need to do, as well.

Part II on Wednesday will continue this thread and discuss emotional repression and what it means in relation to the law of attraction.

Recently I traveled to West Palm Beach, FL and had the pleasure of frequenting the Starbucks in Terminal B. The first time I went there was when I got off the plane. Upon seeing the salacious siren that is the Starbucks logo, I was instantly drawn there. I probably wasn’t even hungry, thirsty, or needing caffeine (anyone who knows me can attest to my slight addiction to all things Starbucks). In any case, I proceeded to order my usual: a venti non-fat chai latte. When the girl handed me my drink and I took the first sip, I knew it wasn’t non-fat. How? Because I have a special power: I can taste fat. That’s right; call me crazy or call me a superhero, but I have the uncanny ability to taste fat in things.

So, I politely asked the Starbucks barista to confirm that the drink she gave me was non-fat. “Yes, non-fat,” she said without hesitation. I wasn’t convinced, but felt strange forcing the issue with her, so I walked away.

Five days later, I was at the same Starbucks again (leaving West Palm Beach and heading back home). I looked over the counter to see who was working and much to my chagrin, the same barista was pouring drinks. When she asked for my order, I told her in the clearest voice possible that I wanted a non-fat chai latte. She repeated my order to me. I smiled, nodded and thanked her. A few seconds later (there was no steaming of milk involved), my drink was ready. As I grabbed it, I glanced behind the counter and saw only one container of milk that the barista had been pouring from. It had a 2% label on it. Suspiciously, I took a sip of my drink and once again, I could taste the fat! I looked at her and said, “Excuse me, but is this a non-fat chai?” Again, without hesitation, she said, “Yes, non-fat.” So I replied, “But I saw you pouring out of the 2% container.” She replied, “No, that was non-fat. I just put it in the 2% container.” I glanced at the back counter and saw an empty 2% milk carton that was ready for the trash, but nowhere did I see even the slightest hint of skim milk. I took a couple more sips to make sure, and yeah, there was definitely fat in that drink.

I walked back over to her and said, “I’m sorry, but this drink doesn’t taste right to me. Can you please remake it?” She agreed, and said, “Non-fat chai, right?” Again, as clearly as I could, I said yes. At that point, she reached under the counter into the refrigerator and grabbed a fresh jug of skim milk. She eyeballed me as she was opening it up, and then proceeded to search around for the skim steaming container to heat it up in. Sure enough, she’d made me a 2% latte the first time around. I knew it!

Now, whenever this happens (and it’s happened more than once), I have to laugh because I’m always reminded of the Seinfeld episode involving the non-fat frozen yogurt. I think to myself, “What would I say if I had to defend why I needed a non-fat latte?” At that point Elaine’s voice pops in my head:

ELAINE: I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That’s non-fat, right?

OWNER: That’s right.

ELAINE: ‘Cause I’m on a special diet, and the doctor said I can’t have any fat.

Then I laugh as I remember later in the episode when Dinkins, a potential suitor for Elaine, neglects calling her back for a few days. She thinks it’s because she’s put on weight from eating too much supposed non-fat frozen yogurt:

ELAINE: Three days and he hasn’t called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I’m too fat.

JERRY: (surprised) He said that?

ELAINE: No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, “Boy, you’re a lot of woman!”

Well, even though I’m not worried about breaking chairs or becoming “a lot of woman” from drinking 2% lattes, any time my non-fat drink gets mixed up with a fat-filled drink, I laugh. Partly because if tasting fat was a superpower, it’d be the oddest superpower imaginable. However, it’s also because anything that reminds me of a Seinfeld episode is reason to giggle, if only for a moment.