Disengaging From the Past: What To Keep and What to Throw Out
February 26, 2008
Peter Walsh has been getting a fair amount of press lately (or so it seems because I keep stumbling on his name!), and it’s about time I familiarize myself with him. Apparently, he was on a show called “Clean Sweep,” has been featured on Oprah, and has written some books.
Two blogs (one I read frequently – MikeTheory – and another that’s sent to me by a friend whenever there’s an interesting post – 43 Folders) had snippets on Peter Walsh that tied in nicely with something I’ve been thinking about: when is the time to disengage completely from the past?
Specifically, what I’m referring to is mementos.
I’m by no means a pack rat. As a matter of fact, I err on the opposing side of that spectrum. I like things neat, and neat, for me, means not having so much stuff!
However, I have been known to keep things I think are of sentimental value:
- Letters given to me by old boyfriends
- Emails from the start of my professional career (mostly sent by friends or family) that I found particularly hilarious or intriguing; I have them printed out in binders
- Photo albums stocked of pictures of me and old boyfriends / friends
- Knick-knacks given to me by old boyfriends (the ones I’m still fond of… and I mean knick knacks, not boyfriends!)
- Stuffed animals (six I couldn’t bear to part from, for whatever reason)
- Mixed tapes given to me either by old boyfriends or my best friend in college (Georgie Boy!)
The items I’ve called into question recently are the mementos I’ve kept from old boyfriends. Honestly, all of them had really good taste (except that one guy…) and the things they gave me, in many cases, were labors of love. For instance, I have a little jar that sits on my window sill containing shells, stones and sea glass from the coast of Maine. It’s filled with water and when the sun shines through it, it’s very pretty – like being at the ocean. As a matter of fact, that’s why he gave it to me: he was there on a trip without me and knew how much I adored the coast. So he bought a small jar, filled it with the nicest shells, stones and sea glass he could find, and brought me back my very own piece of the ocean. (”Awwwwwwwwww…” I know!) Anyway, last week I looked at it and thought, “Why am I holding on to this?”
Same goes for things like mixed tapes and love letters.
I know why I’ve kept the tapes and letters. Two reasons: I figured if I ever have kids, I’d let them see what it was like to be me when I was young and in-love. Second reason is that I figured if I ever forgot, I’d have a reminder.
However, I’m not sure holding on to the past is the way to go. Especially after reading a summary of Peter Walsh’s mentality: “What is your vision for the life you want to live, and is your home a space for the life you want?”
From law of attraction terms, by holding on to mementos from relationships long ago I could very well be sending out an energetic signal to potential suitors that there’s no room for them. I’m still tied up in stuff from the past. EGADS!
On the other hand, that jar represents a gesture that made me feel incredibly special at the time and still has relevance (because I still love the ocean).
So, I’m torn. I honestly don’t know which way to go, but appreciate (always) the encouraging words and advice of anyone who’s in a similar situation or has this experience.
(Thank you!)
Entry Filed under: Everyday Life, Relationships. .
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1.
Sue | February 26, 2008 at 5:59 am
My initial thought is that we can never completely disengage from the past. It makes up who we are as we go through life. That little jar of shells represents a time in your life that was filled with happy as well as some sad memories. It is nice to look at and represents the serenity of the ocean. It was one of the growth periods in your life. Keep it and enjoy. You can throw away physical objects but the memories of those times in your life will remain forever with you in your heart. I say keep the stuff!! Some day your children will thoroughly enjoy going through it all!
2.
MikeTheory | February 26, 2008 at 10:30 am
I think that journaling and keeping mementos that remind us of the past can have tremendous positive value in our life. That being said I think “stuff” almost always has a stedily declining value. So then what do you consider “stuff”? Well I would consider stuff all the things that would probably go in to a “misc” box when moving. The seashell jar, the bears, the mix tapes and probably a bunch of other things would possibly go into such a box.
So.. the first question I would ask about the items you mentioned is where are they located, how or are they displayed, are they clean, when was the last time you touched, listened to, or read, etc. Answering these questions can help you really determine if you cherish these items or hold onto for other reasons, like obligation to future unborn children, guilt from the old you, guilt because they were gifts, etc, etc.
When most people are asked if there is one thing they could grab when leaving a burning house the answer is always the same thing… photos! I think photos are the single best way to remember the past and would rarely if ever be considered “stuff”. No one would ever look at a bunch of photo albums and say what am I going to do with this “stuff”.
Since I think photos are so great, a super simple thing to do to honor your mementos and not have them become stuff, is to take pictures of them. My ex-girlfriend had a pair of shoes that she loved, they were just these old red converse that she just could not part with… anyway she finally did, but before tossing she took a picture of them, and to this day it one of my favorite pictures. Even if I did not know the back story I would love it. I plan on printing the picture off and turning it into a framed art poster.
So take pictures of your mementos, like the story I mentioned above, the pictures might easily turn into something that is easier to cherish, more rewarding, and easier to display.
Sorry… one more cool tip is to get those deep frames that you can put stuff into, along side of a picture, this is a cool way to hold onto items and also put them in context next to a picture of the event, etc. Things on the wall are also rarely ever called “stuff”.
Quick question regarding the tapes, are you also holding on to a tape player?? Here’s a cool idea, if you know what is on them, and if you don’t, it might be time to just get rid of them…. anyway… you could purchase the individual songs and make digital playlists that could go on your ipod, then you could also burn mix cds that you can actually enjoy and hold on to. To really go over the top you could make a cd jacket printout and label for the cds with pictures that you take of the actual mix cd before getting rid of them.
See…. I guess the point of this whole huge comment is to realize that you cherish the memory, and not the stuff, the stuff just is a physical reminder of the memory.
3.
MikeTheory | February 26, 2008 at 10:32 am
wow, that was a ridiculously long comment…. can you tell that I might be a bit too excited about the subject of “stuff”
4.
Ron | February 26, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I’m not an authority on this topic but here’s what I’ve done: remained a friend but kept pretty much nothing material from the friendship. Yes, I’ve a few pictures, but only of my children, parents, bothers and sister and their children. The other pictures or gifts I said good-bye to. But then that is just me. And in my case I’ve even said good-bye to old awards (gave them to my children saying they could do with them as they wish). I suppose I feel the real value that may have been shared between two people in a prior relationship, is innately part of who one becomes, and therefore there is no need to hold on to material items, or anything from the past that is not of value, to who you want to be. If this comment is of no value to you, toss it. In any event, always move forward, joyfully with love and light.
5.
EAC | February 26, 2008 at 6:52 pm
MikeTheory, taking pictures of stuff you love but are parting with is a GREAT idea! And you could include those pics in my suggestion…a scrapbook! I had letters, emails, ticket stubs, bows from special gifts, and random pictures all saved in boxes. Recently, I took the time to paste them in a scrapbook. It’s absolutely nothing fancy – you can get by with an album, and paper that fits in the album. I chose pre-designed pretty paper, which cost a bit more. I did not bother with the expensive stickers and decals and pens. The ornate-ness of your scrapbook is up to you.
I went through my misc boxes and just basically kept the “best of.” I kept the pictures that captured the essence of the time. Most old boyfriend pics were out, but, again, I kept a few that were indicative of the essence. Old love letters were OUT, because to me, it felt wrong to keep them.
So, combining the ideas here, you could take a picture of the special ocean jar, and paste it in your scrapbook. Then you can write some details next to it if you want (who gave it to you, how you felt, etc.) Same with the stuffed animals. Re: the tapes, you can write song names on the pages that represent the era when you loved that song (i.e. college, etc.). Or write a song name next to the friend who always sung along to it with you.
I think the best thing about my scrapbook is that it is a positivity book. If I’m feeling low, I can turn to this record of the great, happy parts of my life and smile. Most importantly for your purposes here, it is a place to keep some of those happy memories that you should maybe not be focused on every day. Your ocean jar is a lovely thing to keep around your home, and it’s great if you just look at it and smile for your love of the ocean. But if seeing it pulls you back into that relationship, into that headspace, then I think it’s too weighed down with the past to keep.
6.
Ron | February 27, 2008 at 12:07 am
Not speaking of my comments, but of the value associated to the comments of others, there may be wisdom in simply embracing these friends in your present who have engaged in discussion. There may also be some worth embedded in common threads which essentially say: seek simplicity, take out the trash, clear your mind, live in the now, look within, let your consciousness help you determine what to retain as part of, who you are now, and who you are destine to be in the future. Only you can really determine what helps increase your inner joy, whatever does, retain, so that your inner joy grows and can be more so shared to help others achieve similarly. God Bless.
7.
innerjoy | February 27, 2008 at 7:40 am
Mom – thank you for leading the charge of commenters; brilliantly said “the memories of those times in your life will remain forever with you in your heart.” Thank you… you are wise beyond words.
Mike – I second EAC’s comment on how taking pictures of things I may want to get rid of but cherished at one point is FANTASTIC! Thank you for suggesting it! And you’re right… the “stuff” that goes into the misc. box when I move is the “stuff” that needs to find a new home. Photos it is! And no, I don’t have a tape player, and have definitely considered your idea of going into iTunes & making the same mixes. I may do that, although music moves me to a time & space even more powerfully than pictures, so I’ll have to balance what my ultimate goal is. Thank you for writing such a long comment (always). LOVED it!
Ron – thank you for the insightful comments, as well (I feel very blessed that so many people have offered up their learned advice…VERY blessed)! I laughed at the tie-in with this part of your first comment, “[if this] is of no value to you, toss it.”
EAC – scrapbooking is something I never even considered! Wow… another great idea! By the way, I absolutely love how you worded this, “But if seeing it pulls you back into that relationship, into that headspace, then I think it’s too weighed down with the past to keep.” When I saw the phrase “that headspace” it just clicked, like, “…yeah, that’s the criteria I need to use to judge what to keep and what to find a new home for.”
Thank you – each of you – for offering up such heartfelt, insightful advice. You’ve helped me make my decision and I know what I need to do. Indeed, some things will be leaving my company soon.
8.
junebug | May 19, 2008 at 4:56 am
i felt v uncomfortable with my SO having a pandoras box of ex stuff.
I told him how i felt and asked if he’d be willing to let it go – he said he didnt want to and told me it represented a part of his life that he knew i felt threatened by (i told him this wasnt true and that i felt that things from the past should stay there – memories can never be erased).
I got rid of a lot of my x’s stuff before i moved in with my SO, and i burned a diary so he would never feel like i did.
After talking it through he agrred to trash the letters but wanted to keep the photos – which i ok-ed, but like cdjanet31 said none that were too snuggly or looked too coupley.
He trashed them the next day and said he never realised that i felt that way about it.
I say let go.
9.
innerjoy | May 19, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Junebug – I appreciate your point of view and sharing. I’ve been slowly letting myself “let go of” more and more. It is, indeed, a freeing process. I’m reading a book by James Ray right now (Science of Success) and he talks about the vacuum effect, whereby as soon as we create space in our lives (by removing old or other obstacles), the Universe fills in that space with something(s) new.
Thanks for what you’ve written!
Megan