Five Tips On How To Become Friends With An Ex

They said it couldn’t be done. A lot of people warned me to cut off any remaining connection with him altogether. I had faith, though (for the most part, anyway). However, there were certainly a number of days when my faith was overshadowed by the heavy hand of reality. We’d been hurtful to each other and disrespected whatever was left of the other’s image in our minds. We each held onto fierce grudges for the things we felt the other person hadn’t done well, and most conversations were painful, forced, or just plain odd.

That was in the beginning.

Then, of course, there’s now.

I’m not sure how we did it, but my “ex” and I have managed to become friends. For some people, staying friends with their ex is easy. Maybe it’s because they didn’t have much conflict as their romance was ending. That wasn’t the case for the two of us, so I thought it’d be useful to try and summarize how I think we’re making it work. (Note: this is all from my perspective; he might have a completely different opinion of how we’re making it work!)

1. We stopped talking about our previous relationship. In the beginning, right after we split up, any conversation we had was marked by talk of our shared past. That would have been fine if we were discussing happy moments, but that’s not what happened. Instead, we usually ended up talking about things that instigated arguments between us. True to form, we’d go right back to that same space and spend our energy picking our relationship scab until it bled.

Once we stopped doing that, we gave ourselves a fighting chance at friendship.

2. We both had to come to grips with the fact that it was over & there was no turning back. There was a point during one of our early breakups when I was optimistic that some day in the distant future, the two of us could magically make it work. Like suddenly we’d wake up and be different people and everything would fall into place. As long as I kept that mindset and worse yet, as long as I shared that mindset with him, it was like putting our failed romance on life support. While I think we both knew deep in our hearts that there was no reviving it, it was hard for me to officially (in thoughts, actions & words) pull the plug. As long as there was still even the smallest chance (we’re talking birthday candle-sized flicker of hope), we couldn’t progress to true friendship.

I’ve written about detachment before, and how important it is to loosen our grip on what we currently have in order to let new things in. In relationships, especially, we must release ourselves from current circumstances before we’re able to experience the newness we’re seeking.

When the two of us finally came to terms with the fact that there was no turning back, we were able to enter a more authentic space and create true friendship.

3. We don’t see each other as often as we did when we were dating. Another key element, I think, to having a friendship with each other was that we stopped emailing, calling and seeing each other as often as we used to when we were dating. If that hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have seen enough difference in our routine to constitute a change in how we related to each other.

4. I reset as much of my old programming as possible, and deactivated my “hot buttons” where he was concerned. There’s a saying that no man ever steps in the same river twice, for he’s not the same man and it’s not the same river. Everything in this world is, by natural law, constantly changing. From moment to moment, energy is shifting form and moving about. Since everything is energy, all of us are always changing. The person I am now is different than the person I was a month ago. Yet human nature is to judge and thus imprison people with our beliefs. How someone was with us previously is how they’ll always be. We don’t give people freedom to change – to grow and become better versions of themselves.

Going along with this, most of our “buttons” (the things people say or do that activate a programmed response in us) remain unchanged over time.

Therefore, in wanting to establish a friendship with my ex, I had to recognize that he’s a different person now than he was then. Having this realization and honoring it meant deactivating my hot buttons and resetting all of my old programming where he was concerned. I had to let him be a new person.

5. We reinstated respect. Unfortunately for us, during the demise of our relationship and immediately following the ending, we lost respect for each other. Our interactions, as I mentioned previously, were marred by anger, frustration and hurt feelings. We’d fallen prey to treating each other with a continuous downward spiral of disrespect.

To break free, we had to reinstate respect. For me, this was possible when I thought about how I treat my other friends and began applying those same behaviors toward him. A small example would be email. Normally, when I send emails to my friends, I start with a cheery “Hi!” I noticed, however, that in emails to him (whether they were replies or new messages), I’d just start typing whatever was on my mind. It was less about sharing a communication and more about throwing my ideas at him. Not very respectful! So I started treating him like I treat my other friends, and not only did it make me feel better, but I think he appreciated it, too.

While we’re only a few months into our friendship, I’m optimistic that the two of us will enjoy many happy moments together in the future. After all, when we chose each other in the beginning, it was based on what we liked about one another. Sometimes, unfortunately, that gets lost as the romance unravels. However, as friends, we have a new opportunity to enjoy our similarities and share the best each of us has to offer. That, as I’m sure you guessed, makes me incredibly joyful.

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A song I love about the end of relationships is Rachel Yamagata’s “Reason Why.” Her inspired lyrics and vocal delivery tell a great story that resonates strongly with me. This song was part of “The Last Kiss” soundtrack, which is where I first heard it. It’s one of those songs I hit the repeat button on two or three times before I’ve had my fill.

Click here for the complete lyrics

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