It’s all about joy!

I had a huge a-ha moment this weekend: I realized that instead of expressing my innermost emotional upsets by crying, I tend to deal with them in other, many times destructive, ways. Why is this important? Well, for starters, by not dealing with my feelings directly, I allow them to eat away at my inner joy. As you know, increasing the joy in life is my single biggest goal. Therefore, the discovery that I avoid crying was pretty significant to me.

How did I stumble upon this? I was in a Zen garden meditating. I ended up there after feeling low for a day and a half. I think it started on Friday night when I made a last-minute acupuncture appointment to try and help me process some buried emotions. My therapist had told me that there are points on the body that can be needled to help release deep-seated emotions. These hidden emotions have an ability to hold back a more joyful, balanced life. Since I’m pretty sure there are things from my past that I’ve neatly tucked away within the confines of my subconscious, I agreed to her suggestion and was treated.

The first time she did the treatment was two weeks ago. Contrary to what she told me I could expect (uncontrollable sobbing for two or three days), I felt nothing. As a matter of fact, I was giddy the very next day. (In the treatment’s defense, it was also Day 7 of my cycle, which notoriously sees me excited and upbeat.) So, this past Friday, I asked her to do it again. She used twice as many needles and the treatment lasted longer than the first time. When I left her office Friday night, I felt fine. Saturday morning, however, was another story.

For starters, I was exhausted. Even though I’d gotten eight hours of sleep, I wanted to keep sleeping. Next was the insatiable hunger. Rather inexplicably, my stomach felt bottomless, so I ate three times what I normally would in the course of the day. On top of that, I ended up eating foods I normally avoid (so I knew I was no longer eating for nutrition and instead eating for emotion). Midway through the day, I took a nap because I was feeling tired and unmotivated. During that nap, I had a lucid dream that very clearly pointed out that overeating was my attempt to fill the emptiness inside caused from being alone. Well, by nighttime, I crossed my fingers and hoped Sunday would be better.

Enter Sunday. I woke up early, and although I had a pretty normal morning, somehow I still felt flat. I knew something was wrong that needed my attention. So I went to a Zen garden and meditated. During my walking meditation, I had a brief moment of mindfulness and that’s when it hit me: I really did feel incredibly sad. In a split second, I began sobbing uncontrollably! Rather than think too much about it and thus take myself out of the state of mindfulness I’d chanced upon, I just let it be. After a minute or two of streaming tears and heavy sighs, I stopped crying as quickly as I started and returned to walking.

Ten minutes later, I sat in the grass and began crying again. That’s when it became clear to me: in my purest state - when I’m fully awake and aware of the present moment - my emotions pour forth with unrestricted ease. It’s when I’m lost in thought and drifting unconsciously through the day, though, that my emotions remain hidden from me. That’s where they stay until I touch upon a second or two of mindfulness and they’re brought to the light again.

In my moment of clarity, it also dawned on me that I was raised to avoid crying. As a kid, I learned that strength, perseverance and stoicism are praised in my family over displays of raw emotion. What’s more, because raw emotion is frowned upon, over time I slowly learned to reject the idea of crying altogether - not only in me, but in others, as well. As an adult, there have been many times that I’ve found it unbearable to be around people who cry uncontrollably. Not only do they make me uncomfortable, but I view them as being weak and intolerable in such states. Eesh… Not a very nice discovery!

Instead of crying, the things I learned to do were to either sleep, eat, or ignore my emotions. Ignoring usually involves watching TV, surfing on the Internet, reading, or so forth. Basically anything to keep my mind occupied and off of feeling low.

After today’s discovery, I realized that I need to re-learn how to process negative emotions in a healthier, more productive way. How? Well, my firsthand recognition of the power of mindfulness will definitely play a role. However, I’m sure there are other things I’ll need to do, as well.

Part II on Wednesday will continue this thread and discuss emotional repression and what it means in relation to the law of attraction.