It’s all about joy!

Aka: Erasing a Tendency Toward the Big But

I had the most eye opening moment a few days ago. I’ll preface it by saying that I’ve heard this theory before, embraced it, but apparently couldn’t internalize it until Tuesday.

It struck me that after spending the better part of my 32 years as a perfectionist, I haven’t spent many - if any - moments fully accepting myself exactly as I am right now. Granted, I have times when I think, “Yeah, this is all pretty good, but…” and therein lies the problem. To quote Pee Wee Herman, “Everyone I know has a big but…” And how!

As a self-proclaimed joy girl, I relish many things: my home, my friends, my body (most of the time), my job (most of the time)… I try to have an attitude of gratitude about every aspect of my life, which strengthens my joy. I’m prone, however, to the ceaseless desire to tweak and refine, improve upon and strive. As a spiritual seeker, my mentors and role models have spoken of “just being.” I love that idea, but it’s usually just that - an idea. As a human, my internal drive rarely idles. I’m always looking for new ways to be better, more, greater, you name it.

That’s when it struck me: I don’t want to reach my 80’s and look back thinking, “You damn fool! You had the most beautiful life, body, career, etc. but you never fully appreciated it. You always thought you could do one better…” How sad and wasteful that would feel.

So on Tuesday, I promised myself, to the best of my ability, to fully and completely appreciate every part of myself as I am right now. I am going to work on expanding that attitude of gratitude as a full-time posture.

• If someone gives me a compliment, I’m going to accept it completely and wrap it around myself as opposed to taking it in my hands, looking at it, and then handing it back because I don’t feel 100% worthy.
• I’m going to look at myself naked and think, “Gosh darn, I’m walking around in a lovely package! I wouldn’t change a thing.”
• I’m going to be thankful for every day I’m at work - tough experiences or not - and think, “This is living; I love what I do!”
• I’m going to accept where I am right now, in the midst of realizing some dreams and at the beginning of dreaming a few new ones and think, “Everything about right now is perfect. I’m exactly where I need to be.”

Basically, I’m going to start erasing that ever present and frequently diminishing big “but.”

So c’mon now, let’s talk about YOUR big but!

***

A few more Pee Wee quotes that I love (and this is a shout-out to my college neighbor and very good friend, Joyce “Monkey Chips” C.):

Pee-wee: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It’s like you’re unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting…

Pee Wee: There’s things about me you don’t know, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand. Things you shouldn’t understand.

Dottie: I don’t understand.

Pee Wee: You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

[At a life-size diorama in the Alamo]

Tina: This is one of my favorite parts of the tour. Say hello to our residents, Pedro and Inez. Pedro is working on an “adobe.” Can you say that with me?

[Tour group responds, "Adobe."]

Tina: Inez is holding a clay pot, of which she seems to be very proud. She has decorated it with lots of paint and glaze.

[After Pee Wee passes out]

Texan: What’s your name?

Pee-wee: I don’t remember.

Texan: Where are you from?

Pee-wee: I don’t remember.

Texan: Do you remember anything?

Pee-wee: I remember… the Alamo.

[Texans cheer]

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to properly share the stories of my life without speaking ill of anyone I’ve been involved in negative situations with. There seems to be a very fine line between expressing my truth (what happened from my perspective) and protecting another person’s integrity. Complicating things further is making sure I’m not dismissing or making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior, and also making sure I hold myself accountable for everything I contributed to the situation.

My thinking has been fueled by recent get-togethers with friends I haven’t seen in awhile. In catching up with them, I tend to share the totality of what’s been happening in my life - the good, the bad, and everything in between. In some cases, I’m asked direct questions about people I’ve had a rocky history with. It’s those instances that have me torn. Do I skip over the parts of my life experience that are negative and omit them from my storytelling? Or do I share what happened to the best of my ability - knowing it’s all from my perspective - and look for a way to preserve the character of the other person? How much detail I share plays a part. I’ve learned that less is more. No one needs to know everything that was said, or every behavior that played out. Giving the cliff note version seems more respectful somehow.

But we learn by sharing, and we form connections by sharing. There must be a balance, though, between sharing ourselves with others and maintaining “right speech.” More and more I’m striving to keep everything I say impeccable. That means when I open my mouth, I want the ideas that flow forth to come from love, joy, positivity and respect. Anything else leeches energy from the Universe and serves to attract a similar energy back to me, and I won’t stand for it.

I’m not sure what the best answer is (it feels like it will be a shade of gray!), but it’s something I’m very interested in. On top of that, it’s something that, as I continue to unravel and unwrap it, I’m certain will bring me great joy.

Irony of ironies: on Saturday, June 21, 2008 I spent a marvelous day in San Francisco with someone who moves me like no one else ever has. On that same day, my college boyfriend - the only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with who I thought I wanted to marry - got hitched 1.4 miles from where I was staying.

What are the chances we’d be in the same city, let alone practically the same neighborhood, on his wedding day? (Especially considering we live an entire country apart and don’t talk anymore!)

I’ll tell you what the chances are - pretty freakin’ good, based on my experience with the Universe (although even this seems a little preposterous, as far as cosmic jokes are concerned).

Honestly, when I found out this past weekend, it bothered me. I wasn’t upset because of how close we were, proximity wise, to each other (although that really is a head scratcher!), but more so because, well, I guess I wanted to be first.

Egos can be funny things like that, as anyone reading Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth” can attest.

Strange sensation, but nonetheless real…

So, since I feel like laughing about this, if anyone has any similar stories related to exes they can share, which take the proverbial (wedding) cake, so to speak, I’d appreciate hearing from you! The more outlandish your story, the better.

In the meantime, I wish the two of them all the joy and luck this world has to offer. There is nothing greater than love, and for them to find each other gives those of us still looking beautiful hope.