It’s all about joy!

Last week, I decided to show up for someone with love. Not just anyone, either. He’s a friend of mine, and we had a disagreement a month ago that neither of us have talked about since. As soon as it happened, I tried calling him to talk it through. He wouldn’t answer his phone. I left message after message, with no response. Christmas came and went, and still I heard nothing from him. In the meantime, I was upset about our disagreement because from where I was sitting, he couldn’t have been more wrong! Part of me wanted to find a way to gently tell him that. After all, there were others involved in the disagreement and they all thought he was wrong, too. Moreover, they were starting to view him differently; he’d done this before, and it was starting to affect his reputation. Usually having a support group helps, but in this case it didn’t. I didn’t feel right talking to other people about it when all I really wanted to do was talk to the one person directly involved. So, I let it take up space in my head. I gave it a lot of energy and tossed it around every which way. I prepared one speech after another, figuring I’d eventually get the chance to say what was on my mind when we worked things through.

Then one day last week, I was able to step back from it and view things more objectively. I pushed my monkey mind aside, and was able to empathize with what I presumed was my friend’s position. I suddenly saw him stuck in a life-long pattern of unconscious suffering that caused him to react to me the way he did. It struck me that our disagreement was not personal. At least, it wasn’t personal between us. Instead it was an ongoing battle he’s been waging against himself his whole life, and I just happened to show up on the field wearing what he perceived to be enemy’s armor.

When I realized this, something even more profound struck me: LOVE HIM. I was so caught up in wanting him to call me - feeling justified that he “should” call me - that I dismissed the golden rule.

Here I was wanting him to love me and talk to me, but I wasn’t doing that back. Instead I was busying myself by categorizing all the seemingly righteous indignations I had toward him. I distracted myself by working through imaginary scenarios of how our resolution might some day play out - what I’d tell him and how right I’d feel. Not once, though, did I stop to consider if I could approach him with that same love and understanding I was seeking.

Ah! And there it was. I absolutely wanted love and understanding from him, but I wasn’t willing to give it back - or rather, to give it first.

I now know that in order to truly love him, to offer up that glorious unconditional form of the word, I need to accept him in his current state. I need to look at his actions - his anger, defensiveness, freezing me out - and say, “This is part of who he is, and I love him in his entirety.” I need to remove my fear and neediness and strip away all of my conditions to loving him and say, “No matter how he acts toward me, I will always love him.”

And so that’s what I’ve done. As soon as I had the realization last week, I felt a warm sensation rise up in my chest. I wanted to let him know that I was there for him regardless (so I did). Best of all, I never stopped to think, “What if he doesn’t respond?” In love, it doesn’t matter.

Love transcends all else. When we show up for others in love, we rise above their bad behaviors (and sometimes our own) and allow ourselves to accept and feel continued warmth toward them regardless of how they act. It’s not always easy, but showing up in love is the only way to let joy in, and for me, that’s what it’s all about.

It’s gift giving season, and that’s something I get really excited about. I’m a big believer in giving people things they truly want, or that fit their personality/lifestyle perfectly. I’d rather not give a gift simply to give one. For me, it needs to be something the person will put to good use or really enjoy.

Two years ago, I stumbled on what I felt was the mother of all family Christmas gift ideas. For the first time ever, I wanted to give everyone in my family a gift (as opposed to just the ones I see during the holidays). I wanted it to be special and unique; something that showed our connection as a family.

What I decided on was this: I bought a reprint of an abstract painting and then divided it into nine equal parts, to represent the nine households that comprise our family. I then matted and framed each part. Everyone in our family received a piece of the painting, along with a special message I wrote that explained the gift, and how much our family - and being part of it - means to me.

Giving artwork can be tricky, but in this case, the gift went over like gangbusters! I was really touched at how happy everyone was with the idea; it was the talk of our family, and boy did that make me joyful!

The joke then became, “What will you do next year to out-do this year’s gift?”

Ah, the pressure was too much! Like George in Seinfeld, I figured it was better to go out on a high note, so I skipped coming up with a family gift idea last year.

However, I’m feeling once-again inspired, so my family Christmas gift idea for this year is…(wait for it)…a compilation of everyone’s favorite Christmas & every day songs.

(”What?”) (I know, let me explain.)

I’ve asked everyone in our family - kids included - to send me two of their favorite Christmas songs (with artists), and two of their favorite everyday songs. I’ll then use iTunes to put together CDs with what I imagine will be a crazy mish-mash of our family’s favorite music. (Note: we’re talking everything from Barbra Streisand to Snoop Dog!)

I think you can tell a lot about people by the type of music they listen to. It speaks to and about us on so many levels. For me, this year’s family gift is a great way to once again bring us together - if not physically, then certainly symbolically. I already envision sitting around with the members of my family I visit every year, drinking wine or martinis, listening to the CDs and asking “Who’s favorite song was THAT?!” It’s sure to provide some fun conversations, not to mention great insights.

Along the lines of gift giving ideas, Think Simple had a good post with unique ideas, as did The Simple Dollar. If any of you have fun gift giving ideas, please share them. After this year’s CDs, I may be out of ideas for another couple of years!

Did you ever wonder what it takes to change from being someone who’s overweight, a big drinker, and unhappy with just about everything in his life to someone who’s healthy, fit, balanced and happy? I don’t have to wonder, because I’ve had the gift of watching one of my closest friends do just that.

I mentioned Dan* in an earlier post. We met about six years ago when we were both working in the ad industry. At that time, what I saw in him was a talented, funny, yet extremely angry man. I was pretty angry then, too, so our blossoming friendship was imminent. We immediately bonded over shared grievances - always in humorous, biting ways - but since knowing each other, our connection has deepened and matured in a way that’s awe-inspiring to me.

It was a little more than six years ago that I started studying spiritualism and was beginning to open my mind to the power of positive thinking. I thought Dan would scoff at these things, but instead, he asked me to talk with him about them. Over the next few years, our conversations frequently highlighted anything new I’d learned and ways we could both improve our lives. We shared successes, and sorrows; loves and losses. It was clear we were both growing in the same direction, and what a blessing to have him in my life this way! It’s as if we were each others’ sponsors on this new adventure. In less than two years, I watched Dan transform himself physically (he lost more than 80 pounds by committing to exercise and a healthy diet), as well as emotionally and spiritually.

There are so many aspects of my friendship with Dan that I cherish, but one in particular stands out: it’s the gift he’s given me of being able to watch him manage his life so gracefully.

In the time I’ve known him, he’s survived two layoffs, two divorces, an irrevocable falling out with one of his best friends, and most recently, the loss of his father. Amidst all of this, he’s not only maintained - but strengthened - his positive outlook and deepened his spirituality. He questions the world, not through anger and frustration anymore, but through a genuine desire to keep expanding his understanding of life in the broadest sense. He seeks to learn how he fits in with the greater scheme, and strives to be the best version of himself he can be.

He encourages others along the way, too. He’s been a huge supporter of me, and is probably the biggest reason I’m considering writing my first book so soon. He shepherds others, too, on everything from weight issues, to adopting a more positive outlook, to following their dreams. It wasn’t that long ago that the two of us were mocking the world around us, so to see such a transformation is pretty spectacular.

I learn so much by simply watching him, and will easily admit that my heart overflows with pride any time he points to where we both started. He thanks me for the ways I’ve inspired him, and truthfully, I’ll always be grateful to him not only for his unwavering friendship, but for the little lessons he’s opened my eyes to along the way.

In this life, if we find some friends who give greater context and meaning to the experiences we have along the way, we’re better off for it. When those friends become our mentors, allies and champions - walking on paths that parallel our own - it’s as if the powers that be have handed us a special note with directions on how we can live the most joyful life ever. For this and so many other things, I’m grateful.

* Not his real name