In the Face of Fear
I am scared out of my mind right now. I just finished talking to my friend, who was going to partner with me on an upcoming workshop. I was discerning enough to ask him toward the end of our conversation if he really wanted to do it with me because I sensed some resistance. He was kind enough to say that it had nothing to do with me, but came instead from needing to do what’s right for him. The workshop I hoped to co-present may not be what he most needs right now.
As a result, I’m scared sh*tless. More than I ever could have imagined, too, since I’ve done my own workshops before. They were all fine, and fun. Even though it’s new territory for me as of early 2007, I really enjoy speaking in front of groups - especially about spiritual stuff. That’s why I’m surprised at how frightened I feel by the prospect of presenting this upcoming workshop by myself.
This fear comes specifically from thinking I won’t be good enough on my own. The topic (love and compassion) is so important to me, and so important to everyone in my opinion, that I’m scared I won’t do a good enough job. On top of that, so much of what I’ve learned about the topic in the last six months has come specifically from my friend. I respect the heck out of him, and find that everything he says - even his off-the-wall hilarious stuff - is filled with wisdom. He’s lived the lives of about fifteen people, and is one of the most fun, approachable beings I’ve ever met. He has a way of making even the most complex issues seem crystal clear. He “gets it;” he gets life. I feel like a little kid when I listen to him sometimes: looking up at him with wide eyes, anxiously awaiting the next thing he’ll say. It made total sense to me that we should do this workshop together and I was honored when he agreed. Then some time went by. His life presented him with all kinds of new experiences that he’s still busy processing.
And when we talked tonight, I threw it out there, “It’s ok if you don’t want to do this workshop. I know you have a lot going on and I don’t want this to not feel right for you.” Partly to my surprise, he went along with me. It made my heart sink a little. Not because of him, either. It was because of me, and my own insecurities.
Amidst my panic last night, I kept hearing the prompt: “Keep doing new things. Keep doing new things. Keep doing new things.”
I first got that prompt a couple weeks ago, and it’s stayed with me. Facing my fear in this regard will be a new thing. Going back and telling my friend now, even if he were to change his mind, that he absolutely can’t co-present with me will be an extremely new thing. My old self would have said a prayer like, “Please make him change his mind… Please make him change his mind.” I know now, though, that if he were to change his mind, I wouldn’t be able to move through this paralyzed space I’m in. I’d be leaning on him for support the whole time, which isn’t the best way to move past this. I also know (thank you, Universe) that the things I fear the most are the things that hold the greatest lessons for me. Rather than run and hide, I need to face this head on. I need to remind myself that there is no fear - fear is not real. Only love is real. The workshop I want to do is on love. Therefore, I need to find the love in this situation for myself. I need to express love in the face of fear and forge ahead. I know that all of this, every last detail of it, is for my highest good and greatest joy, and that I brought it on myself…to learn!
I’ll move through this space and come out on the other side triumphant. If nothing else, I expect the miracle of perseverance and wherewithal that have served me well in the past.
Keep doing new things. Keep doing new things. Keep doing new things.
***
I browsed around the Internet last night and in searching for tips to overcome fear, I found this quote (which I liked a lot):
“I am not afraid of failure when I start to redefine success.” (Karen Lim)
Then I read the blog “Think Simple Now” which featured a post on Monday that had a useful paragraph on fear: “The more we focus on the object of our fear, the more powerful the feeling is. Life rarely turns out as bad as we anticipate. Focusing on the worst possible outcome is extremely stressful. Whether it’s asking someone out on a date, or giving a presentation to an audience, it does not help to tell yourself that ‘I’m afraid I’m going to fail’ or ‘What if I’ll look stupid? I might as well not try.’ Instead, focus on what it is that you do want. Focus, by repeating what you want in a present tense statement. Example, ‘I am confident and knowledgeable about this topic and I can give a kick ass presentation. It’s a breeze!’”
And so there you have it - or more aptly, there I have it. Kick-ass, indeed.
13 comments January 16, 2008
