Aka: Erasing a Tendency Toward the Big But

I had the most eye opening moment a few days ago. I’ll preface it by saying that I’ve heard this theory before, embraced it, but apparently couldn’t internalize it until Tuesday.

It struck me that after spending the better part of my 32 years as a perfectionist, I haven’t spent many - if any - moments fully accepting myself exactly as I am right now. Granted, I have times when I think, “Yeah, this is all pretty good, but…” and therein lies the problem. To quote Pee Wee Herman, “Everyone I know has a big but…” And how!

As a self-proclaimed joy girl, I relish many things: my home, my friends, my body (most of the time), my job (most of the time)… I try to have an attitude of gratitude about every aspect of my life, which strengthens my joy. I’m prone, however, to the ceaseless desire to tweak and refine, improve upon and strive. As a spiritual seeker, my mentors and role models have spoken of “just being.” I love that idea, but it’s usually just that - an idea. As a human, my internal drive rarely idles. I’m always looking for new ways to be better, more, greater, you name it.

That’s when it struck me: I don’t want to reach my 80’s and look back thinking, “You damn fool! You had the most beautiful life, body, career, etc. but you never fully appreciated it. You always thought you could do one better…” How sad and wasteful that would feel.

So on Tuesday, I promised myself, to the best of my ability, to fully and completely appreciate every part of myself as I am right now. I am going to work on expanding that attitude of gratitude as a full-time posture.

• If someone gives me a compliment, I’m going to accept it completely and wrap it around myself as opposed to taking it in my hands, looking at it, and then handing it back because I don’t feel 100% worthy.
• I’m going to look at myself naked and think, “Gosh darn, I’m walking around in a lovely package! I wouldn’t change a thing.”
• I’m going to be thankful for every day I’m at work - tough experiences or not - and think, “This is living; I love what I do!”
• I’m going to accept where I am right now, in the midst of realizing some dreams and at the beginning of dreaming a few new ones and think, “Everything about right now is perfect. I’m exactly where I need to be.”

Basically, I’m going to start erasing that ever present and frequently diminishing big “but.”

So c’mon now, let’s talk about YOUR big but!

***

A few more Pee Wee quotes that I love (and this is a shout-out to my college neighbor and very good friend, Joyce “Monkey Chips” C.):

Pee-wee: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It’s like you’re unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting…

Pee Wee: There’s things about me you don’t know, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand. Things you shouldn’t understand.

Dottie: I don’t understand.

Pee Wee: You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

[At a life-size diorama in the Alamo]

Tina: This is one of my favorite parts of the tour. Say hello to our residents, Pedro and Inez. Pedro is working on an “adobe.” Can you say that with me?

[Tour group responds, "Adobe."]

Tina: Inez is holding a clay pot, of which she seems to be very proud. She has decorated it with lots of paint and glaze.

[After Pee Wee passes out]

Texan: What’s your name?

Pee-wee: I don’t remember.

Texan: Where are you from?

Pee-wee: I don’t remember.

Texan: Do you remember anything?

Pee-wee: I remember… the Alamo.

[Texans cheer]

Last Saturday, I was in New York City attending a spiritual event. I attended the event in hopes that I would experience a profound inner healing of the parts of me that still cling to outdated beliefs, behaviors and emotions. I wanted to access even deeper chasms of my inner wisdom and do so in an environment filled with and guided by love.

Overall, it was a tremendous experience, and one that I walked away from feeling divinely transformed.

What struck me was all the people there - 250 in total. As I looked around, I noticed that the only label that could be used to group all of us together was our shared desire to experience or know something bigger than ourselves that day. Rather than everyone having a similar look, whether it be our style or our walk of life, this event gathered together hundreds of individuals with seemingly little more in common than spirituality.

There were hippies and plastic surgery-loving women there. There were perfectly groomed men mixed with scruffy beard-sporting students. There were prim and properly dressed ladies sitting alongside those in sweatpants touting the word “Juicy” on their derrieres. You name it, I saw it, and everyone was lovely as could be.

Whenever I attend events like that (and I remember church offering a similar setting), I’m reminded of the beautiful simplicity that links so many of us throughout the world: we’re seeking a greater understanding of ourselves and of the powerful Universe in which we live. We all suffer, and we all want to end our suffering. It doesn’t matter what we look like, how we sound or what our backgrounds are. The outer packages we saunter around in are just costumes. They are not who we truly are. Ultimately, who we are can be found within our hearts.

I like the idea that I can close my eyes and from my heart-center, feel a connection to virtual strangers. Through my heart, I can connect with anyone and in that space and in those moments, know that I am never alone. I am one with the man or woman standing next to me who, from outer appearances alone, looks completely different than me. Oh, how I like that and the joy it brings me!

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to properly share the stories of my life without speaking ill of anyone I’ve been involved in negative situations with. There seems to be a very fine line between expressing my truth (what happened from my perspective) and protecting another person’s integrity. Complicating things further is making sure I’m not dismissing or making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior, and also making sure I hold myself accountable for everything I contributed to the situation.

My thinking has been fueled by recent get-togethers with friends I haven’t seen in awhile. In catching up with them, I tend to share the totality of what’s been happening in my life - the good, the bad, and everything in between. In some cases, I’m asked direct questions about people I’ve had a rocky history with. It’s those instances that have me torn. Do I skip over the parts of my life experience that are negative and omit them from my storytelling? Or do I share what happened to the best of my ability - knowing it’s all from my perspective - and look for a way to preserve the character of the other person? How much detail I share plays a part. I’ve learned that less is more. No one needs to know everything that was said, or every behavior that played out. Giving the cliff note version seems more respectful somehow.

But we learn by sharing, and we form connections by sharing. There must be a balance, though, between sharing ourselves with others and maintaining “right speech.” More and more I’m striving to keep everything I say impeccable. That means when I open my mouth, I want the ideas that flow forth to come from love, joy, positivity and respect. Anything else leeches energy from the Universe and serves to attract a similar energy back to me, and I won’t stand for it.

I’m not sure what the best answer is (it feels like it will be a shade of gray!), but it’s something I’m very interested in. On top of that, it’s something that, as I continue to unravel and unwrap it, I’m certain will bring me great joy.

I’ve been more in touch with my feelings lately and enjoying greater awareness of my body’s built-in warning system that serves to keep me on course. I’ve noticed that when I’m doing things that are in alignment with who I am and what’s important to me, I feel mentally, physically and emotionally fantastic. When I’m out of synch with what’s important to me, on the other hand, I feel that, also, but it’s usually in a much different way.

Last week, I did something that my conscious mind told me could be fine, but that my gut suspected might go against who I am at this point in my life. It wasn’t anything huge, and I was able to rationalize that I could make this event anything I wanted it to be. Deep within me, though, I was apprehensive. My subconscious sent up little smoke signals to get my attention, begging me to call off what I was about to do. I ignored them and went through with it anyway. Two hours after doing said thing, I developed a horrendous migraine and my body began shutting down in a bizarre way. Why? I believe it’s because I was acting in conflict with my true nature. Therefore, as a way of expressing the inner conflict, my gut turned its apprehensions into a physical manifestation to let me know in no uncertain terms that I’d crossed a line.

Yet again, a few days later, I was heading into a situation that my instincts told me was not in alignment with who I am, but that I was obligated to carry out for professional reasons. True to form, because I could not avoid the situation and would have to go through with it, my body did the only thing it knew how. It tried to get my attention and potentially protect me by rebelling via migraine.

In the first example, my body’s insurgence came after the fact, as if to remind me that when I go against what my gut’s saying, I can’t avoid the repercussions. In the second example, my gut instincts turned into fierce physical resistance beforehand, urging me to be on high alert for what was to come and possibly trying to save me from it altogether (after all, if I’m too sick to attend something that’s not in my highest good, maybe I won’t have to deal with it ever!).

Those two examples have driven home something that I only just started embracing in the past few years: ultimately, I can’t deny my true nature. Who I am - my goals and what I believe in - will always be what feels “right” to me, and everything else will somehow erode my person, be it mentally, emotionally or physically. On top of that, my gut instinct serves as a situational guru, of sorts, warning me when I’m about to veer off-course or head into murky waters.

I wrote about this from a difference perspective last Fall. My discovery in Joy in (and Gratitude for) Migraines included realizing that my migraines serve me, so rather than reject them I need to rejoice in what they offer. In Joy in Seeing a Purpose in Pain, I discussed the need to investigate, rather than mask, pain because, again, it always has a message for us.

While very few people enjoy pain in and of itself, the role it plays in our lives as messenger and protector is something to be honored. I’m certainly learning to honor - and find joy - in mine.

Listening to Wayne Dyer the other day, I was reminded that whatever we’re for strengthens us, and whatever we’re against weakens us. I needed to hear that again, because there are times when I fall into the all-consuming trap of what I’m against. It could be things like:

• a negative coworker
• the gossipy woman in yoga
• a loud critic
• the god-forsaken heat
• eating too much or eating for the wrong reasons
• not exercising (especially when I think I “should”)
• feeling tired
• political nonsense

You get the idea. Anyway, sometimes it happens so subtly that I don’t even realize I’m slipping into the “what I’m against” mode. Other times, it’s obvious to me and everyone I’m with.

Regardless, from a power perspective, it’s important to remember to stay in the “what I’m for” mode because that’s when I’m the strongest and can affect the most positive change in my life - to bring about more of what I want and less of what I don’t.

It’s an easy switch, too. I simply turn around the things that torque me and think of their opposites, or better yet, I affirm my ideal scenario. Using my list from above, it could be that I’m for things like:

• positive people and peace
• truthfulness and the Buddhist concept of “right speech”
• supporters and encouraging people
• mild summer weather
• keeping my body healthy and eating only what I need to stay nourished and strong
• being active and having a strong, vital body that can do anything I want it to
• feeling well rested and vibrant
• global harmony

Whatever I’m for strengthens me, and whatever I’m against weakens me.

So, what are you for?